I'm sick of phone calls followed by tears.
I never wanted to go to the aquarium anyways.
Let me guess... You've been waiting in line and all you have to say is keep your head up everything will be okay? Well you know, it probably will be but the 8 people in front of you all collaborated and decided to use that same line and it's getting old.
Don't talk to me. Your Dad is saving seats for you and your family in the chapel. But its still all gonna be okay right? Next week this will have all blown over for you. You aren't gonna be here when the house gets quiet.
My future hosts an empty seat at every milestone my life has to offer, from my graduation to the birth of my first child. Who is going to fill that empty gap?
You Just don't get it.
Now tell me its all gonna work out. Are you gonna be here to pat me on the back when everyone won't stop staring? I didn't think so... Or when the the hat collection needs to be moved from the closet to the white garbage bags in the garage?
Keep my head up right?
You don't understand that those songs will never sound the same, that the cape has been permanently hung up and that I'm down a coach for next basketball season. Their is no way for you to understand that the closest I have been to living with him in the past 8 years was finding half a piece of gum in his old suit coat.
Everyone at school knows what happened and the worst part is that the center of attention has a funny way of finding me every time I feel like letting my head hang. Actions speak louder than words
I get it...
Rub some dirt on it and get back in the game. I've seen how your society works and their is no room for self pity.
So if the only way to get you out of my face is take your advice. I will keep my head up. And if my tears get to heavy I will grab a handful of dirt.
Right now I don't need you talking to me. All I need an old Elton John CD on repeat. Preferably one of the ones about the candle that blew out or the train that doesn't stop here anymore or maybe even the one about where do I fit into the big picture. Yeah, anything but your fake condolences.
Because NOTHING "is gonna be okay" until my headphones sink far enough into my ears that I forget about the 10 minutes of life I just wasted on our conversation.
So leave me alone.
I need to figure out how Elton John figured that if he sang about a candle I would come to the realization that even if we don't believe in God, he believes in us and that he is waiting at every turn and every decision. But that we won't ever realize it until we ask him.
So there is my take on death. Or at least that's how I learned what life is.... But its different for everyone. So take from it what you will.
Its just a circle of life.
First of all: this is fantastic. I'm sorry I didn't read this earlier. So many good lines.
ReplyDelete"I never wanted to go to the aquarium anyway." What a great line.
Man, you are pissed, huh? I like this. I like where you're going.
"...when the house gets quiet." I love that image. Everyone's gone home and you're back to reality.
"my future has an empty seat" - this line is so powerful. I've seen a lot of students write about death and loss, but this phrase is the one that hits hard. That image holds so much for me. Sadness and disappointment, but also memory and legacy. An empty seat.
Again. Very good.
Suggestions: Don't take us (the readers) out of the story. Out of the poem. Out of the rant. Whatever it is. Don't let us catch our breath and be reminded that we're just reading someone's blog and not peeking into someone's soul. "gonna be alright"..."gonna be okay"...."i mean it's no big deal"...these lines in the 3rd paragraph allow me as a reader to catch my breath. Instead, get right to the point of telling the person that you appreciate the kind words, however, they are wrong and they still have their dad and he's saving seats and my house is quiet. I think you can say what you say in FEWER words.
One of the most powerful writing rules: omit needless words.
But again, seriously. This is good. And I think I just broke the record for the longest comment of the semester.
Oh and one more thing (it's funny how I say omit needless words, but here I am...rambling)...
ReplyDeleteSometimes the best pieces have a theme or a phrase or an image that repeats. Like, what if you opened with an empty seat and then ended with an empty seat? Or what if the quiet house was talked about throughout the piece? You continue to remind us what this is about and what you're trying to say.
Blah blah blah blah I'm sorry.